New Year's resolutions

Since I'm practically perfect in every way, even if it's only in my own mind, I've decided that for my new year's resolutions I'm going to become really really annoying so I will have something to work on in 2018. I'm going to start spitting when I talk, I mean to the extent that I'm dehydrated after a conversation. If I go into a public restroom I'm going to make sure that anyone pooping in a stall remembers to double wipe and if I see them later walking around I will yell at the top of my lungs that "there goes the guy who didn't double wipe!" Or if it was a number one I'll yell "Hey there goes that single shake guy!" By the end of the year my booger "pick and flick" skills will be so accurate that I'll be able to flick them into other people's noses, that is if I don't eat them first.

Diaper people

Now that I am a stay at home dad/trophy husband (My wife wonders what prize in Hell she won to deserve me) I've been finding ways to cure my boredom. So when I watch TV I picture a World where everyone still wears diapers and everyone just goes about their day pooping and peeing anywhere and anytime they want. Friends is so much funnier when you picture them all sloshing around in half full diapers. It really explains why you rarely see TV people in the bathroom. I always wondered how that show 24 was supposed to be in real time and yet there isn't a single episode where Jack Bauer is sitting on the crapper reading a magazine or watching Lost Boys on a primitive cell phone.

Polite wife

So I passed out on the couch last night as I tend to do on the weekends and or on those nights when i'm in trouble with the wife. When I woke up at 4 am with that whole neighbor's house on fire thing. I ran up stairs to tell Cathy what was going on and as running up the stairs Cathy wakes up thinking it's a burglar, but since it's Cathy she's still all sweet and polite and goes, "Hello, who is it?" Who the heck did she think it was? Does she have gentleman callers that I'm not aware of? I was half surprised that she didn't offer to get me something to eat or drink. So now that she is half awake I ask her if she knew what was going on outside. She bolts out of bed and starts screaming. "Oh, no are the animals ok?" For a second I thought I should give her a nice slap and a shake like they do in old movies and yell at her to pull herself together, but i'm not like that. Finally after I explained it to her, drew her a nice little picture and built a diagram for her, she was finally calmed down and woke up enough to realize what had actually happened.

If life gives you lemons and you spill it tell your wife it's dog pee

I thought I'd be a jerk and make a huge glass of country time lemonade just for myself. Karma stepped in and knocked it out of my hands, where it spilled all over the kitchen floor. I decided it would be funnier to tell my wife that one of the dog had pee'd in the kitchen. When she came in to see what I was talking about both dogs were standing by the puddle lapping up what she thought was dog pee.

Mullets

I'm sorry but I just don't get mullets. They say they're "Business in the front and party in the back." If you go to a party and they make you go to the back yard and they won't let you in, you beat and beat on the back door and they just turn out the lights and pretend they're not home. But you know they're home because they were just there. THEY WERE JUST THERE! How the hell is that any fun?